They’re coming. It is unavoidable. But are you ready? Hordes of kids dressed in all manner of scary outfits. You have your cheap Reject Shop “candy” to offload. But what if you could give them something to take away that won’t rot their teeth and give them brain damage? Here are 11 ways to confuse a trick-or-treater:

1. Give them a copy of Candy by Iggy Pop ft. Kate Pierson on CD. It’s a fantastic track and it will perhaps open up their small minds to a whole new world of music.

2. Give them a DVD copy of Candy starring Abbie Cornish and Heath Ledger. Sure, the film is about drug addiction, but it’s my favourite Australian movie and it’s better they know about the dangers of drugs sooner rather than later.

3. Tell them you’d like a trick. Tell them you don’t want anything lame. Something good, a party trick. Tell them to balance a spoon on their nose. If they don’t do it, tell them you will put a spell on them.

4. Tell them you are all out of treats, but they can come in and watch your home movies from your last overseas vacation. Remind them you don’t do this for everyone, so it will be a real treat.

5. Laugh when you answer the door (in your underpants) and shout to no one in particular, “Jessie, have you seen my gun?”

6. Dress up as something scary yourself, so when you answer the door you freak them out. Chase them up the street.

7. Booby-trap your front yard. If they make it to the door in one piece, treat them.

8. Ask them if they know the historical origins and significance of their costumes. Tell them if they answer correctly you’ll treat them. Otherwise, they fail.

9. Go out for the night. Come home and collect all the toilet paper and build a snowman for your Christmas decorations.

10. Appear at the window with a Bible and read out the passages which infer that Halloween is evil. Keep preaching until they give up.

11. Baby carrots.